Chapter 4: February Ends

It is a Sunday. The day that most people would want to spend their time outside of their comfort zone at home. Let it be watching your favourite television show on the cable, spending time with your family and talk about the week you had, let it be good or shitty as long as the response from your story either; "Oh that's good" or "Really! Oh, I'm sorry. It'll be better next week. Just Hang in there" or Laugh at what ever funny incident that occurred in the office before. Your colleague accidentally sent out porn links to the whole entire company. Your colleague got a new hair cut that looks like some loony bin character and did her own style. Hand phone missing and sent out mass email telling the entire work place to return it to its rightful owner without any press charges but deep down she wants to whack the hell of the person and in the end it was miss placed by herself in her own too-big-sized jacket pocket. What ever it is, it's time spent at home.

For some, we want to go outside. Put on ur best dress that you've been saving up the whole entire week. Comb that messy hair after the shower to look the best as you can. Put on the perfume that you only use for special occasions. The pressed pants that just came from the dobby looks sleeker than ever or others would just put on the rugged jeans they've been wearing for years and never been washed even once. All of these just to go out on the hot Sunday afternoon. It is as if you're preparing for a date. May be it's just too feel good. To walk under the scorching sun on the solid concrete pathways to be noticed by others and when they notice you, you feel good. That sensation down the spine tinkles, you feel proud. May be that's why some people are so concern about being notice, what they think, what's their criticism, their opinion, their shitty bullshit comments about what's best for you when they don't even know what's best for themselves. Fucking hell, we're living in a delusional world aren't we?

You find yourself lost. When you're just bored out of yourself, nothing excite you anymore, you don't know what to do. You wonder around blindly without aim. No purpose. You want to find that place where isolation is your best friend. Where silence is the air that you breathe. No one else cares about what shitty-shirt or fucked-up shoes you wear. You give yourself a chance to be you. To let all that emptiness fades out to the black-hole. Or, your just fucking bored and you don't want to stay at home so you let your left leg and your right to keep on moving until they're sore.

I find it weird, even for myself, to go out and just walk with out aim or destinations. But I guess that's the excitement that I'm trying to find. To give myself a chance that I might actually stumble upon something incredible. To witness an accident, to be the first to catch that rare moment, to have something that no one else has. But mostly for me, I just want to get lost where I do not know anyone and watch them. The different faces, the different background, the path they took to be where they are now. The partner they chose, the family they built, the adventures they tasted. The airport is the answer.

A group of Norwegians with their shorts, sleeveless shirts and slippers deciding where to go after they arrive. They dressed this way I guess because they can't do it in their own country or it's just too bloody hot here at the sunny-equatorial-country of Singapore.
The students with twelve of their friends and parents in a circled group sending of the future generations of the nation for Australia to further study. The thing is that their parents do not know about the parties they have every week, the sexual experiments they try to discover as their desire to explore grows larger for attraction of the opposite sex. The recreational drugs that pass around like cheap liquors and consumed like a sixteen year old just tasted beer for the first time or smoked their first fag. Parents and friends feel proud as they wave good bye to the prodigy out to the immigration counter. Little did the students know how this trip would change their life forever.
The suits walk around with their laptop bag on one shoulder and genuine leather prada limited sling bag on the other. The right hand would be busy texting the blackberry, the other is dragging small-compact-black luggage that only can fit a pair of shoes and a couple pair of more suits and a casual wear.
The Japanese tourist with their sunny-bright-tropical-coconut-palm-trees-Hawaiian-t-shirt and their straw hat. Big-huge-ass Sony camera hanging on their neck. They're proud of their products. It's like a trophy for them. The two meter square map is stretched out at the center circle of the group and trying to point out which are the best site seeing place to go to. Where's that place where you can ride that tricycle bike with the techno music pumping out as you cruise around for half an hour or so? Where's that famous big wheel that blinks at night and looks so pretty but too scared to go in because it's too high.
The surfer dudes. I don't understand these guys. Why would you want to surf at this small island. It is surrounded by other big islands, why would there be a freaking huge wave to surf on at the edge of this tiny island? May be I don't know about it. May be there's a secret place where only a few people knows. They come in with their big boards, big-backpack, three-qurater quicksilver surfing pants, sandy sandals, messy hair that's never been washed for weeks, some come with dreadlocks, and of course the beach shirts and bead-necklaces and bracelets so thick that you can't turn your wrist anymore.
Then there's the usual Filipinos, Bangladeshi, Indians, Burmese and Indonesians labor workers who just want to go back to their home countries for their own perspective reasons. They come here hundreds or thousands miles away from home to work for a mere thousand bucks a month, sometimes less. God bless them for making this country cleaner, for building the skyscraper and making the places that we call home. They always go in a group because they are bonded by their agencies. You can only go back home when you are assign to. When the work is done. When the boss is happy. When the project is finished and the client is happy with it.

Characters, the different aspects of life that walk through the check-in counters is what fascinates me the most. Is what makes me wonders; where is he going home to? who will be waiting for him at the airport? what's his girlfriend or wife looks like? what would she do when she reaches home? is that business trip just another excuse to visit his mistress here? is he or she as fucked up as I am? It's just great to imagine and let your mind run loose for once in a while, once in a blue moon. As the sun goes down on the west, the airplanes ascends to the east one by one, the lights on the sky goes dimmer and revealing the darkness of the atmosphere. But then as I looked up, one light shines above the rest. It hangs between the airport tower and the building beside it. It shines so bright I was captured, dazed and mesmerized. The moon has never been this big for months, may be almost a year. It looks so surreal. The clouds around it smeared like painted brush strokes with water paint and there was nothing else around it. A blank dark blue sky with no clouds nor a single star. A bright yellowish-orange color lit up the town as the night falls. It was 7:30, the next minute I took the ride home. February ends on Sunday with a perfect moon. I guess that's why they celebrate the month as a romantic month.

What happened in my birth year?

I was about to go to sleep then this page was the last thing I Stumbleupon. Well it is mostly American culture reference. But it kindda gives you like a blast from the past feeling reading them.

whathappenedinmybirthyear

Chapter 3: Dreams

I'm scared. Scared to dream. Scared to look at the sky again. As I glance to the unknown, my favorite place in the world, I tend to get drifted away and thoughts just keep on flowing. I don't know if that place would make me happy again.

I'm lost in words. I'm lost in my place of being. I tried to escape. Run away and let it fade out by itself. But it comes back ever now and then, in my dreams, in my thoughts and in my every sight.

Sometimes one of those dreams would be trying to hit my dad in the face for some strange reason. May be it's because I still haven't forgiven him for what he did to my mum, to my family, my brothers and to me. I raised my arm swung it as far back as I could but it felt really heavy as I tried to give him a blow to the face. I could really feel my heart pumping really fast as if I was running a marathon. The adrenaline was really in my veins. But my arm swung in slow motion and as it reached to his face I had awaken, with my heart still beating thunderously. I really don't know what it means but this dream doesn't occurs once or twice. He did try to make peace. I did try to give in. Welcome him again, I'm not sure sincerely or not. But I am trying. Yet, why does it still happens?

When ever I walked around and looked at a family goes out to eat, at McD or KFC or just a simple hawker stall I would smile and think back about my childhood and never thought how happy my family and I was back then. The picture of my mum and dad would joke around at the front seats from where I was at the middle back seat have been locked in my mind. They sincerely laughed as he teased some things about her and she would pinch him on the arm and pretends that it hurts so bad, then she would apologized about it. They laughed out loud. He would say to keep it down because it might awaken all of us at the back. My brothers would be sleeping beside me but I kept my one eye half open witnessing what I thought would last forever.

I took things for granted at that time. The times we eat in or out. The questions they would ask about how's school or the movies I watched with my friends, the things that they would do for me. I would never appreciate it then, but I do now. There were times that I actually felt love, unconditional love for my parents. I can vaguely remember it. May be it was when I was really small, six or eight or ten may be, not so sure. I missed my Dad dearly when he had to go for weeks to the USA for training. Then when he came back there would be a luggage full of LEGOs and basketball cards. I felt like I was the luckiest kid in the world. My mum would cook me breakfast everyday, egg sandwich with hot milo before we go to school. Sometimes I hated it and took it with me for the road and throw it away. Then I realize it now. She actually wakes up in the morning before any of us cook some water in a big pot and pour it in a bin in the toilet and mix it with cold water so that all of us can have a bath with warm water. I think it's all of these little things that slip out of my mind when I was a kid and never realize what are the things that they wouldn't do to make me and my brothers happy.

Would I want to have a family again under one roof? Hell, I'd kill for that. But the thing is it will never be the same. I've thought of it for a very long time. I've tried to salvage it and it failed. I regret it now that I didn't try hard enough. May be it's a burden that I would have to carry for the rest of my life now. I would do anything not to see my mum broken hearted any more. I couldn't imagine the confusion my younger brothers had gone through to see our family broken up like that. I still think that they have never understood what actually happens. It did affect them in many levels. It is the biggest nightmare that every kid wouldn't want to experience. If I had the toughest time of my life, what was going through their minds must be ten times worst. And I wouldn't want that to happen ever again.

I guess it's fear that made me decide that it's not the right thing to patch things up anymore. Though it can be done but the consequences could be worst. May be it is fear that makes me to be like I am now. I face it everyday but I'm still scared, I still runaway from any problems that I face. It isn't right, it will not make it go away nor it will actually solve itself. I tried to face it however scared I am. That's why even though I'm scared to dream again but I face it everyday.

22 02 2010

again, nice date yea :-)

20 02 2010

It's a nice date isn't it? just want to post that :-)

LED Sheep

Something after coming back from the short holiday as we come back to work and become the sheep that we are. :-)

Ain't No Sunshine

This guy got soul. That's all I can say. Simple words and melody can only be top with feelings and true love for the soul. I'm pretty sure that most of you who have watched movies and TV series would have heard this song at least once but never knew who is the original singer. I didn't. So here he is.

oh this song was featured in one of my fav movie Notting Hill at one of my fav scene of all time as well. It was covered by Lighthouse Family.

Bill Withers - Ain't No Sunshine


Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
It's not warm when she's away.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And she's always gone too long anytime she goes away.

Wonder this time where she's gone,
Wonder if she's gone to stay
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away.

And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know

Hey, I ought to leave the young thing alone,
But ain't no sunshine when she's gone, only darkness everyday.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.

The days have come and gone

It was heartbroken when Blink broken up. But since then they've developed new bands. Boxcar Racer was one of them, then there was Plus 44 and Angels and Airwaves. They're all great and no doubt I love all the music that they produced. Now that they're back together, I can't wait to see them live.

This is one of the song that was born from Boxcar.

Box Car Racer - There Is


This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive
I miss the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where i laid and told you, but you sweared you loved me more

Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
Will i shake this off pretend its all okay
That there someone out there who feels just like me
There is

Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word
There will be a hidden message about a boy that
loves a girl

Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
that There's someone out there who feels just like me
There is

Do you care if i don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me

Do you care if i don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is

#41

It's a long jam at the end but that's what Dave Matthews Band is all about. Jamming a good beautiful music. The Sax, Violin, the Bass, thumping Drums, melodic Guitar wonderful voice and shivering lyrics. R.I.P LeRoi Moore. You have been a great player and your sound will be missed forever.

Dave Matthews Band - #41


Come see
I swear by now I'm playing time against my troubles oh
I'm coming slow but speeding...well
Do you wish for a dance and while I'm in the front
My play on time is won
Oh, but the difficulty is coming here...

I will go in this way
And I'll find my own way out
I won't tell you what to be
But I'm coming to much more
Me
All at once the ghosts come back
Reeling in you now oh
Oh tell me what if they came in crushing
I used to play for all of the loneliness
that nobody notices now
I'm begging slow, I'm coming here...
oh, I'm waiting
I wanted to stay
I wanted to play
I wanted to love you

I'm only this far
And only tomorrow leads THE way

I'm COMING waltzing back
and MOVING in into your head
Please, I wouldn't pass you by
Oh and I wouldn't take anymore, THAN I
What sort of man goes by?
Well, I will bring you water
Why won't you ever be glad?
It melts into wonder
But I came in and I'm praying for you
Why won't you run in to rain and play?
And let tears splash all over you

Crash into Me

It's kindda weird that this song turns out really beautiful and can change it's meaning at some level when it was actually written about Dave watching some girl over the window and dreaming dirty things about her. Sometimes, you do can only dream.

Thank You Dave for making such beautiful song, helps me sleep easier sometimes.

Dave Matthews Band - Crash Into Me


You've got your ball
you've got your chain
tied to me tight tie me up again
who's got their claws
in you my friend
Into your heart I'll beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock
and sweet you roll
Lost for you I'm so lost for you

You come crash into me
And I come into you
I come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream

Touch your lips just so I know
In your eyes, love, it glows so
I'm bare boned and crazy for you
When you come crash
into me, baby
And I come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream

If I've gone overboard
Then I'm begging you
to forgive me
in my haste
When I'm holding you so girl
close to me

Oh and you come crash
into me, baby
And I come into you
Hike up your skirt a little more
and show the world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
and show your world to me
In a boys dream.. In a boys dream

Oh I watch you there
through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing but you
wear it so well
tied up and twisted
the way I'd like to be
For you, for me, come crash
into me