What happened in my birth year?

I was about to go to sleep then this page was the last thing I Stumbleupon. Well it is mostly American culture reference. But it kindda gives you like a blast from the past feeling reading them.

whathappenedinmybirthyear

Chapter 3: Dreams

I'm scared. Scared to dream. Scared to look at the sky again. As I glance to the unknown, my favorite place in the world, I tend to get drifted away and thoughts just keep on flowing. I don't know if that place would make me happy again.

I'm lost in words. I'm lost in my place of being. I tried to escape. Run away and let it fade out by itself. But it comes back ever now and then, in my dreams, in my thoughts and in my every sight.

Sometimes one of those dreams would be trying to hit my dad in the face for some strange reason. May be it's because I still haven't forgiven him for what he did to my mum, to my family, my brothers and to me. I raised my arm swung it as far back as I could but it felt really heavy as I tried to give him a blow to the face. I could really feel my heart pumping really fast as if I was running a marathon. The adrenaline was really in my veins. But my arm swung in slow motion and as it reached to his face I had awaken, with my heart still beating thunderously. I really don't know what it means but this dream doesn't occurs once or twice. He did try to make peace. I did try to give in. Welcome him again, I'm not sure sincerely or not. But I am trying. Yet, why does it still happens?

When ever I walked around and looked at a family goes out to eat, at McD or KFC or just a simple hawker stall I would smile and think back about my childhood and never thought how happy my family and I was back then. The picture of my mum and dad would joke around at the front seats from where I was at the middle back seat have been locked in my mind. They sincerely laughed as he teased some things about her and she would pinch him on the arm and pretends that it hurts so bad, then she would apologized about it. They laughed out loud. He would say to keep it down because it might awaken all of us at the back. My brothers would be sleeping beside me but I kept my one eye half open witnessing what I thought would last forever.

I took things for granted at that time. The times we eat in or out. The questions they would ask about how's school or the movies I watched with my friends, the things that they would do for me. I would never appreciate it then, but I do now. There were times that I actually felt love, unconditional love for my parents. I can vaguely remember it. May be it was when I was really small, six or eight or ten may be, not so sure. I missed my Dad dearly when he had to go for weeks to the USA for training. Then when he came back there would be a luggage full of LEGOs and basketball cards. I felt like I was the luckiest kid in the world. My mum would cook me breakfast everyday, egg sandwich with hot milo before we go to school. Sometimes I hated it and took it with me for the road and throw it away. Then I realize it now. She actually wakes up in the morning before any of us cook some water in a big pot and pour it in a bin in the toilet and mix it with cold water so that all of us can have a bath with warm water. I think it's all of these little things that slip out of my mind when I was a kid and never realize what are the things that they wouldn't do to make me and my brothers happy.

Would I want to have a family again under one roof? Hell, I'd kill for that. But the thing is it will never be the same. I've thought of it for a very long time. I've tried to salvage it and it failed. I regret it now that I didn't try hard enough. May be it's a burden that I would have to carry for the rest of my life now. I would do anything not to see my mum broken hearted any more. I couldn't imagine the confusion my younger brothers had gone through to see our family broken up like that. I still think that they have never understood what actually happens. It did affect them in many levels. It is the biggest nightmare that every kid wouldn't want to experience. If I had the toughest time of my life, what was going through their minds must be ten times worst. And I wouldn't want that to happen ever again.

I guess it's fear that made me decide that it's not the right thing to patch things up anymore. Though it can be done but the consequences could be worst. May be it is fear that makes me to be like I am now. I face it everyday but I'm still scared, I still runaway from any problems that I face. It isn't right, it will not make it go away nor it will actually solve itself. I tried to face it however scared I am. That's why even though I'm scared to dream again but I face it everyday.

22 02 2010

again, nice date yea :-)

20 02 2010

It's a nice date isn't it? just want to post that :-)

LED Sheep

Something after coming back from the short holiday as we come back to work and become the sheep that we are. :-)

Ain't No Sunshine

This guy got soul. That's all I can say. Simple words and melody can only be top with feelings and true love for the soul. I'm pretty sure that most of you who have watched movies and TV series would have heard this song at least once but never knew who is the original singer. I didn't. So here he is.

oh this song was featured in one of my fav movie Notting Hill at one of my fav scene of all time as well. It was covered by Lighthouse Family.

Bill Withers - Ain't No Sunshine


Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
It's not warm when she's away.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And she's always gone too long anytime she goes away.

Wonder this time where she's gone,
Wonder if she's gone to stay
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away.

And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know

Hey, I ought to leave the young thing alone,
But ain't no sunshine when she's gone, only darkness everyday.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.

The days have come and gone

It was heartbroken when Blink broken up. But since then they've developed new bands. Boxcar Racer was one of them, then there was Plus 44 and Angels and Airwaves. They're all great and no doubt I love all the music that they produced. Now that they're back together, I can't wait to see them live.

This is one of the song that was born from Boxcar.

Box Car Racer - There Is


This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive
I miss the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where i laid and told you, but you sweared you loved me more

Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
Will i shake this off pretend its all okay
That there someone out there who feels just like me
There is

Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word
There will be a hidden message about a boy that
loves a girl

Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
that There's someone out there who feels just like me
There is

Do you care if i don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me

Do you care if i don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is